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Here is your Brevspread briefs, 6/6/2016-6/10/2016 in case you don’t have time to read–those angry tweets won’t argue themselves.
1. The Cost of a Celebrity’s’ Piece-of-Crapness
Popular racist, WWF wrestler, and man-boob model, Hulk Hogan, won a 140 million lawsuit against the gossip and news website, Gawker, after Gawker had published Hogan’s sex tape with his friend’s wife. In other words, it cost 140 million dollars to show us the piece of crap Hogan really is.
Sources: New York Times
2. Nothing has Changed in the Catholic Church
Pope Francis does nothing again for the safety of sexually abused children. According to Time magazine, he declared that he would prosecute bishops if they botched sexual abuses cases. As long as legal matters are strictly done within the church’s jurisdiction, there is no reason to believe anything could change.
Sources: Japan Times
3. Stanford Rapist
Twenty-year-old Stanford rapist and Michael Cera impersonator, Brock Allen Turner, according to the Guardian, was charged for “thrusting” on top of an unconscious woman next to a dumpster on 18 January 2015. He also penetrated the girl with “foreign objects” because he doesn’t have a dick. He is receiving a lenient penalty of six months in prison. Judge Aaron Persky, who is presiding over the case, also doesn’t have a dick.
4. A Doctor’s note in Japan
Former economy minister of Japan, Akira Amari, 66, said he will be politically active again “step by step” after prosecutors decided last weekend not to charge him for embezzlement. He has been missing parliamentary meetings for medical reasons. Constipation isn’t one of them. According to Japan Times, his doctor “recommended that [Amari] resumes political activities, and that [Amari] intends to visit his supporters to apologize to them,” especially after the doctor also advised Amari, “Take some Tylenol, and quit being a little bitch.”
Sources: Japan Times
5. Butthurt Teen
Butthurt Connecticut teen, Christopher Plaskon, faces twenty-years in prison for stabbing sixteen-year-old Marin Sanchez at Jonathan Law High School in Milford, Connecticut, 25 April 2014, on the day of prom. Although Plaskon denies the murder was unrelated to prom, Time magazine reports that “Family and friends of Plaskon told police he was upset Sanchez for rejecting his invitation.” As he serves his twenty-five-year sentence, prosecutors are going to show him reruns of Dawson’s Creek to remind him that the hero doesn’t always get the girl, even if they’re best friends: “But you have to admit. Sometimes Dawson is an actual douche bag.”